Jun 30, 2010

A girl sitting on the soft lounge seat.

Jun 28, 2010

Jun 26, 2010

Friday night at the cafe. I have been drawing as usual, but it's been a while since I've done anything good enough to post.

Jun 22, 2010

off topic: I'm So Dumb, Part 2

The final nail in the coffin of my experiences with Flutter was a second email I sent one week after my previous one. I asked if she was still interested in us seeing each other. Snafugirl strongly advised against contacting Flutter any further, but in a moment of weakness and stupidity, I did it.

The reply back was the fastest I'd ever received from her, with a response time of about an hour. As expected, it crushed me. She told me that she recently met someone else and wanted to focus on that relationship and make it exclusive. I received this at 11:30 am while at work. I don't know how I got through the rest of the day. I was furious, jealous, depressed and confused. All the emotions were compressed, churning and hidden deep inside me as I sat at my desk. I was so angry that I immediately un-friended her on facebook, deleted her number from my phone and deleted all our email correspondence. When I got home I put her black scarf in a bag and walked it down to the trash room in my building.

I went into a tailspin for the next week and a half. I hadn't realized how hard I'd fallen for her. Feelings can sneak up on you. It caught me off guard and stung my pride all the more. I couldn't stop myself from wondering when she was going to sleep with her new boyfriend. It was like trying not to think about pink elephants. Or trying not to think about the beautiful woman that you adore, the one with doe eyes and a graceful femininity– getting banged by another guy.

I worked on a new painting over the weekend and did some drawing, but I really lost my energy and inspiration. If I'm unhappy, it really shows in my artwork. But I gradually started feeling better and thought that I might be coming around.

Then last night Flutter tried to re-friend me on facebook.


Jun 21, 2010

Elderly couple at the playground.

Jun 17, 2010

Jun 15, 2010

Two girls at the playground, eating snacks and talking about boys. I wanted to finish the drawing but there were bratty kids running around with squirt guns and the girls got up and left after getting sprayed with water.

Lately it's been hard for me to have any kind of optimism. The dismal dating situation has drained the vitality out of everything.

Jun 10, 2010

"At the enchanted metropolitan twilight I felt a haunting loneliness sometimes, and felt it in others—poor young clerks who loitered in front of windows waiting until it was time for a solitary restaurant dinner—young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life."

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

At Bryant Park

after work on a nice day. This is a composite drawing. The two women were not actually at the same table and were there at different times.

Jun 8, 2010

off topic: The End of Flutter


It appears that it has fizzled. I haven't heard from her and I don't know what happened exactly. After the third date, she went on vacation (while I was out sick). After her return, I sent a short email and haven't heard back. Even if she is busy, she has had time to make facebook status updates, but not to email me back.

Sharon, an ex-girlfriend, said to me twelve years ago: "The women are going to come and go. The only thing you can rely on is your art."

It was an offhand comment and I didn't pay much attention to it at the time. I realize now that it was a strange thing for her to say. It also seems like she put a curse on me.


on a bench at the playground.

Jun 6, 2010